Envy

The medical texts all call ALS a rapidly progressive neurological disease. The word "rapidly" is a bit deceptive. While it is indeed rapidly progressive relative to other neurological diseases it is really not usually when compared to other progressive diseases like cancer. When I was first diagnosed unless you really knew me it wasn't obvious I had anything wrong at all for quite a while.  Over time it took my body bit by bit and continues taking to this day. As this relentless grinding down of my body took its course my psychological state has naturally changed as well. Maintaining your "self" through all this is an extremely difficult challenge in emotional management. I can easily see why  many afflicted with ALS become so unpleasant to those around them.

My current physical state, all things considered, could be much worse. Still I get frustrated thinking of the things I can no longer do. Out of this frustration grows my least favorite emotion...  envy. It is a natural thing to feel a bit envious of others, I suppose it even can serve a useful motivational purpose. This envy is different. Powerful and ugly it hits like a wave of nausea. I have to close my eyes and let it pass over me until my rationality returns.

What I really hate about it is the things that set it off. Things that are supposed to happen, good things. People living their lives, going on vacation, a swim on a hot day, riding bikes, enjoying a nice dinner, things I used to love but can't do. I envy old men playing with their grandchildren as I will never do. I envy young people starting their lives. What I hate about the envy is it takes the place of what should be there, joy as my family and friends get to do what they love and be happy.

Like I said before, envy is, of course, a totally normal feeling everyone gets from time to time.  Mine has been seeming much more intense lately. I've seen articles written about how social networks like Facebook can sow envy. While I do spend much more time there than I used to my problem is in me and not it. It is born out of my own frustration at my current situation. Realizing that has been the key to beating the envy back. I need to let go of what is gone so I can enjoy seeing those I care about living their lives. Those moments where my frustration hits me are my worst, not that you would notice from the outside. I can still be as bundled up with my feelings as I ever was. Below the surface the battle will continue as long as it needs to.