Ruminations

Ruminate: from the latin ruminatus, to chew the cud, or to muse upon.  To go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly.  - Merriam-Webster

I've been living with my ALS diagnosis for  nearly three months.  Not surprisingly, it's been on my mind... almost constantly... ever since. As you would suspect, living under what is essentially a death sentence refocuses you on what's important... family, friends and making the most of your time with them.  What is surprising is how much that refocusing clarifies your outlook on life and, at least for me, actually improves it.  Sure, you still have to deal with the day to day nonsense, bills, messes, yardwork, whatever, but the weight they've been putting on my mind seems trivial in comparison to how it seemed before.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Belted_Kingfisher.jpg

I was riding my bike to work the other day along the Folsom South Canal, which, if you've never ridden there before, is basically a boring  access road that follows a canal. There's a fence separating the trail from the canal and as I rode along I noticed a Kingfisher sitting on a fence post.  When I got near the kingfisher it flew off, further down the fence.  As it attempted to land, I again startled it into flying even further down the fence.  We continued this dance for a half-mile or more, until the bird decided to cross the canal and get completely out of my way.  The way the bird was trying to get away from me reminded me of the way I tend to deal with my day to day problems.... keep going down the same path only to find your problem keeps catching up with you.  When you finally decide to take a whole different course, you might actually get away from them.  Of course if the bird just decided to sit there and let me pass, he would have found out I was actually harmless to him.  Either way the key was realizing that what you are doing isn't working and you need to try something else.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I really like racing bikes.  I've always been competitive, and enjoyed being one of the "fast" guys.   Up until May it was a very central part of my life, something I was a bit obsessive about.  I'm not fast anymore and, all things considered, I'm cool with that.   At some subconscious level I already knew it but I'm really starting to see that what was really important to me with cycling wasn't necessarily collecting results, instead it was, and is, the whole experience... the people, the preparation, most of all, the rides.  The way that being in a race or just an intense training ride makes the everyday problems just fall away and you get those fleeting moments of perfect clarity.  ALS sucks, in every way, but the way it has forced me to look at my own mortality and laid bare that which is really important strikes me as being something like a race.  Every one of us is ultimately mortal, and examining ones personal mortality should be anything but a morbid exercise... it should be a chance to examine what you really want from life and what's important. All anyone is guaranteed is this one fleeting precious moment in which we now exist, make the most of it.

Twirling round with this familiar parable
Spinning, weaving round each new experience
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion. 

Tool - Parabola (2002)